What Does Your Next Step Forward Look Like?
Cyclers & Resolvers
There are two types of people that I have seen over and over again in my practice during the past 20+ years: Cyclers & Resolvers. Cyclers move through life repeating the same behaviors and experiencing the same outcomes month after month, year after year. They avoid ownership of their experiences and blame externals for the negative outcomes in their lives. Resolvers on the other hand take ownership of their experiences and the related feelings, thoughts and behaviors. They don’t settle for the same results they have always gotten.
Cyclers
An ancient proverb says “Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.” Cyclers repeat a behavior, thought process, or emotional reaction over and over again with the same outcome or conclusion.
Cyclers aren’t necessarily outwardly struggling. Many Cyclers are well meaning and successful individuals in their personal and professional lives. Cyclers can look balanced and contented. However, they are often broken and exhausted from years of over compensating and giving away their personal energy in life. The result is deep disillusionment and dissatisfaction with life itself and the quality of relationships in their life. They seem healthy on the outside, but the inside story is quite the opposite. On the inside, a Cyclers life is like a termite-infested house. When stress is applied to the weakened areas the walls may just come tumbling down.
Resolvers
Resolvers have a very different motivation from Cyclers. Resolvers are motivated to discontinue behaviors and thought patterns that for years have resulted in destructive outcomes in their lives. True resolution is motivated out of the desire to bring something to an end. Resolvers aren’t born this way. Instead, they have spent much of their life cycling through destructive behavioral and thought patterns.
What separates the Resolver from the Cycler is that the Resolver has considered self-examination as a foundation for personal freedom. This self-examination becomes the cornerstone to their success. Resolvers trade stagnation, dissatisfaction with life, and superficial or manipulative relationships for deep contentment and fulfillment regardless of life experience at the moment.
Resolvers are tenacious about persevering and learning from their experiences. They challenge not only their outer worlds, but their inner worlds as well. They have the willing spirit to bring something to an end. They have the ability to count the cost of bringing closure to something that is not productive or healthy in their own lives and in the relationships around them. This takes courage! I have admired many of these Resolvers. They are the recovering Cyclers in our midst.
Fundamental traits of Resolvers
- Resolvers own their thoughts, feelings and behaviors without projecting them onto others.
- Resolvers learn from their painful experiences AND their successes and achievements.
- Resolvers ground themselves in something much bigger than themselves. For most this is a spiritual grounding.
- Resolvers are motivated to go beyond familiar emotions, cognitive patterns, or behavioral reactions.
Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living”. We begin 2009 in less than a week. Are you going to be a Resolver or a Cycler in 2009?
You mention that “self-examination as a foundation for personal freedom” is the main way to become Resolver.
What techniques are used (and questions asked) in this sort of self-examination?
Is there any recommended resources ie. books, articles, lectures, sermons for growing in the area of becoming a resolver? I whole heartdly agree with Ken.
Brody-
Self Examination is a discipline and to treat it as such is to maximize its benefit. Suggesting the dynamic of self examination as a discipline leaves room for anyone who attempts to create this new discipline in their lives the luxury of success and failure. Research has suggested that any new discipline practiced on a daily basis regardless of one’s emotional state will take about 21-30 days to make permanent. With that in mind here are a few suggestions: Journaling, for most, is the best practice towards self examination. For most men, this is not an acceptable tool. Why? Well for starters it takes time and the immediate gratification and reward isn’t realized necessarily in the first few entries. To be more honest, self examination can be boring and that seems even more evident for men when it comes to Journaling. There is more to be said on this matter. Stay tuned for lessons on Journaling. Another technique is to ask a trusted friend or loved one to give you honest feedback on areas that they would suggest you explore. Don’t ask if you are not willing to hear it all. Listen without rebuttal. Take the information away quietly and meditate on it. Write it down. Stew on it… Let the tension sink in and do it’s job. Read books that stir you deeply not just the ones that make you feel good. Larry Crabb is an excellent author. His classic “Inside Out,” is a good choice. “Meeting the Shadow” is another book that moves the reader to look at the self. The best choice to learn self reflection is to invest in a good therapy process that teaches you how to be self reflective in a genuine healing way. A dynamic that is unique to your context and your desires. The therapy process should help you hear your language from the inside so you can hear it and respond to your true thoughts and feelings. I hope this helps to get you started.
Ken
Christian-
There are many good books to read. I want to be clear though. Books are for education not for change. Books tend to teach but lack the human element of feedback and validation both of which are necessary for real change to take root. To start, I would suggest Larry Crabb: “Inside Out.” John Eldrage: “Wild at Heart” or any one of his books that follows that classic. As far as finding material that reflects “resolvers” or “cyclers,” well, you will have to stay tuned to this blog to see how those concepts play out further in our lives as human beings. These terms, as far as I know, are unique to my practice. There may be others that use different terms to illustrate the same concept. I’ll keep that in mind as we move further into the story. I hope this is helpful.
Ken
I am experiencing the turning of this new year in a way not typical for me as an individual. This article and these concepts are in many ways new to me… but could not have come at a better time. I look forward to exploring my own cycles in life, business, family, etc and beginning the process of resolving…
Happy New Year!